Can I still have a story, even in this mess? Can any of us?
Those were the thoughts visiting me in late night moments, telling me I didn’t have a future because although the sick have dreams, those dreams cannot come true. At least, not anymore.
But even after a wheelchair-bound me and involuntary movements ventriloquized me I realized that God is still the Author of my life. He didn’t set His pen away from my story, and although He didn’t cause this mess, He will use even the ugliest inkblots for his glory.
Maybe you have your own ugly inkblots. The ones that you would prefer not to name. Or maybe they’re visible but if you had the chance, you would yank the pen from the hand of God if you could.
Oh friend, I really, really do understand. I understand the desire to wipe these inkblots away and even to tell the Author Himself that He got it wrong. But you are where you are at in this moment of life for a reason. You are reading even these very words for a reason.
On this page, it’s my deepest desire that you’ll find hope in your own mess, realizing you can trust the Author of your life and also that your story is worth telling.
I’m married to a man who will do the goofiest antics possible just to see a slight lift of a smile at the corner of my mouth, but yet, he’s also that down-to-earth kind of guy who will say his favorite thing is communicating with God and myself. Before you think we stepped into this perfect relationship, you can read about how we helped improve our communication issues here. You can also read how we met here and our wedding story here.
I myself hold a degree in Psychology and Biblical Studies. Even though I had plans to pursue even further education in Psychology and Nutrition and eventually Theology, illness interrupted my plans. But even so, I still carry that love of a full picture of wellness in everyday life. I have seen even glimmers of wellness in my own body, even when a doctor said it was impossible. Even still, in a Neurologist visit in summer 2018, the doctor mentioned I would most likely be permanently disabled. Okay, so I may have teared up a little when I heard this, but I’ve had a new resurgence of hope believing that I can be well again. I’ve seen small incremental improvements over time, so why not?
Let me tell you, this whole journey has felt like a caterpillar’s slow race to the finish line 30 feet away from his furry body. I’ve inched forward ever so slightly, fighting for that finish line that’s so far away when you’re moving at such a slow pace.
There’s at least been two things this past year that have helped to the point where it feels like someone picked that slow caterpillar and moved him to the ten feet mark, but of course, I want to be at the finish line! Sometimes that 30 feet marking the finish line seems so far away, and other times, it feels more attainable.
What You’ll Find At Inkblots of Hope:
We offer articles on faith, even tough questions like What do we do when we’re disappointed with God? to practical ones like Using the Serenity Prayer in our everyday life. We’ll be launching into a couple of series soon: Finding Hope in God’s Story, Body Damage: How the Church Hurts Itself and Body Care: How the Church Can Repair. We also discuss chronic illness through the lens of faith and will be including more material on wellness here soon. Some articles include: The Strange Dichotomy Between How I Look and What I Feel and What Ten Christians Want You to Know About Chronic Illness.
Marriage is another passion on both of our hearts which we’ve been discussing more here.
Before, my husband, Michael had all these links listed from different news stations that covered my story from Washington Times to others, but it made me a little nervous because, honestly, I had never even read any of the stories because I knew it would stress me more, so I’m leaving you with a video instead. I’ve only watched in once, and in that one time, I had to pretend like I was watching someone else to decrease the gravity of the situation. I’m only posting it so you don’t feel like your alone in your own mess, friend, and also so you have a tiny glimpse into my own life.
Hope is always an option,
Photo Credit: Kati Rosado Photography