When the Pain

 

I remember saying over a year ago that everything- every pain from multiple levels would be worth it, as long as there was some sort of effective change. “Let this bring some sort of good that could only come from above into someone’s life, then it would all be worth it.” That prayer and the sheer strength of God propelled me forward…at least until I became dissatisfied and wanted to heal yesterday and a body that was more capable so that I would be able to attain paid work and release Michael to do the same- worry free from needing to care for my needs.

Let it be said that I do not find myself to be in any lick of a way inspirational, so my desire for wanting this situation to bring change to someone’s life could only be an act spurred by God. If I had to be shorn of my privacy, then maybe it would be worth it if it brought attention to God and His workings- that in a small fraction of a way I could bring light- then being laid up on my back wouldn’t feel like wasted time. Then it would most assuredly be worth it. I was content in this thought process until numerous events shook me. I prayed for a “now” fixer upper of my body, upset that there may not be a later that would resolve in my full healing and soured by the many pains endured that I did not expect to face.

I certainly presumed my healing would find restoration in a half a dozen months, but I had also made a peace with God’s perfect will. Oh, how I can shelf those words and longings, thinking this stretch of a season was only a winter, but what about learning of sacrifice? What about learning more fully the meaning of relationships and the test of true friendship? What about the longing planted in me to help others more because of the circumstances I’ve faced and what I’ve been given?

What if I was the person I prayed for- longing for at least there to be someone to bring good to in these moments? What if revival needed to start in me? What if I needed to learn these lessons? Would it still be worth the pain? I think it would depend on the day whether or not I could answer a “yes” or a “no,” but I pray I could answer with a “yes” at least more than “no” as time rushes by.

The song that continues to press its way into my life is one I have truly needed this past year with more layers of meaning added to each play:

Many Blessings to you my dear friend! I want to thank you for your support during these trying times. I am so humbled by the amount of love showered upon me. So many of you are a huge part of the reason why I a have a gnawing desire to give all the more.